i am a monster.

Nighttime becomes the time to think.  To figure out what we want, what we need.  To remember the events of the day and dwell upon our mistakes and triumphs.  Dreams are there to give us something to look forward to; to give us something to hold on to.

It was the feeling of pure ecstasy as his lips hovered over mine for the first time.  Standing there, pushed against his cold, metal desk, his hand slowly caressing my reddened cheek.  My breath staggers, making it hard for me breathe. His deep, brown eyes stared into my blue pools, disabling my ability to consentrate on the world surrounding me.  

His thumb brushed lightly over the corner of my slightly opened mouth.  His breathing deepened, as did mine, and he leaned in closer, but not yet closing the gap between our awaiting lips.  He whispered up into my ear, "This is wrong."  It was barely audible and my ears strained to hear his voice.  He brought his face back to mine, staring into my eyes once again, "But I guess I could make an exception."  

And with that our lips connected, sending shivers of joy down my spine.  It was not a forced kiss.  We had both wanted to be there, in eachother's arms, on eachother's mouths.  He pressed his chest closer to me, completely closing the gap between our bodies. 

His tongue smoothed over my semi-parted lips, asking for more.  I allowed him further into my mouth, as I went further into his.  The feeling of tastebuds and silky saliva sent me into some kind of pseudo-sexual pleasure.  I had been waiting for so long. 

His hands roamed down the front of my body, before settling on the small of my back.  My fingers smoothed over his toned chest, before looping themselves through the beltloops of his faded jeans.  I pulled him closer, if it was at all possible, continueing to deepen the kiss without any hesitation. 

This is what I wanted.  What I needed.  What I had been waiting for.

We soon ended our heated, passion-filled kiss, leaving behind the evidence.  Papers had fallen to the ground in a graceful manner as we had lied upon the coldness of the desk, and there was an undeniable claw mark swirling from the nape of his neck, going down to right above his tailbone.  It was growing redder each second as I stared at my glorious handywork.

My head spun in utter disbelief to the crime we had rightfully committed.  Staring into eachother's eyes, panting for breath as it was still shallow, knowing that the instincts we had acted upon were wrong.  Perverse, risqué, illegal, in more ways than just one.

For one, the man I had grown to love, was at least ten years my senior.  Two, I was still considered young and inexperience, just beginning to dip my toes into the vast ocean of relationships.  And third, he was my teacher.  My teacher.

He moved closer into me once again, a worried expression drawn unevenly on his usually carefree face.  He looked me in the eye, stern but soft, if at all possible, making me slightly apprehensive as he spoke all too cleary, "This is wrong."

I pulled him closer, our bodies swaying in perfect unison.  I stretch my legs, standing on my toes to gain ability to speak in his ear.  I purred seductively on the side of his head, feeling like a heavily-painted harlequin girl, comforting him, "No one will ever know.  It's just me and you.  Don't worry.  No one will ever find out.  Trust me."  Seeming to believe me, he gently placed another kiss upon my blushing lips.  He parted slowly while reaching for his forgotten shirt.  Oh how I loathed for him to keep it off his perfect body.

Was it really my fault who I had fallen in love with?  How could I be blamed for loving such perfection?

The taste of stale smoke that lingers in the back of my throat is at the moment, the only memory I have of him.  That, and also the sound of crunching leaves as his brand-new blue car drove over them and out of my sight, leaving me alone at my front door.  The smell that rests on my clothes remind me of the cigarette we shared as he drove me home. 

My heart has been torn between two.  This boy, who I deffinately have some sort of feelings for, and the other.  The one that I'm head-over-heels in love with.  It hurts that I must pick one over the other.  I have only but a mere chance to be with the one I love so dearly.  The Smoker (as I will now to him refer), I must say, I could have in an instant.  And that there begins my dilema.  For I care so deeply for both men, but I feel that only one can win my heart. 

First, there is The Smoker.  Pros: He goes to my school, therefore I could see him everyday and know that he won't be cheating on me (I have not yet been able to build up that trust factor with anyone in my life thus far),  he knows everything about me and doesn't judge me the least bit (at least from what I can tell),  and he comforts and consoles me through all the shit that's been happening in my life lately.  And for the Cons: He is three years older than me (this will be the last year I have with him, before he goes off to college),  and he is not the nicest to people besides me (as I have recently found out as of last week.)

Secondly, there is "My Love."  Pros: I have this everlasting care/ love feeling for him that will never be erased from my heart (no matter what happens),  he is closer to my age (but we all know age is but a number as we grow older), and he has been through a lot of family trouble (that I can surely relate to.)  And for the Cons:  He is extremely sex-driven (in other words, a man whore),  he has been a jerk to me and other people in the past (but always manages to get forgiveness), and most people think he's gay (which I have no problem with by the way.  It seems lately that I am very attracted to gay men).

I hope my decision comes soon so I don't have to keep worrying and fretting over this difficult situation.  God help me.

I'm sitting here eating chocolate chip cookies, while dunking them in cold, white milk.  It got me thinking about the loss of innocence we all go through during our teen years.  Although I've only been a teen, per se, for 2 years, I have seen the extreme difference those 2 years have made on my life.  Everything just zooming by in an array of colors that don't stop to say hello.  Everything given, then taken away in the blink of an eye, and I can't help but think about the changes that I've been through in just 5 short months. 

I fell in love, not bothering to fall out of it, when the guy I liked hooked up with another girl the day I asked him out.  He had said yes, so it was a heartbreak to me.  But it all turned out well in the end, I suppose.  We're friends now, but not like the kind of friends you want to see everyday.  We get on eachother's nerves, and for some odd reason, that makes me like him more. 

Just last month I learned that you need to watch who you become friends with.  Most people just let you down in the long run.  It's hard to build up trust with anyone, once you've been treated the way that I have.  The lies, the drama of high school is completely overwhelming.  No one bothers to stop and make sure you're doing ok.  It's all up to you, you're all you've got.  Once you lose yourself, you're gone. 

This loss of innocence, I think, connects with your indivituality.  Once you have no one else to depend on, you must rely on yourself to get through harsh teen years.  It's almost better to not be to close with someone, if you're not ready for a heartahe.  

Time will pass and the brutality of these years will fade into a glowing flame.  A memory.  One in which I hope I can look back upon and see my mistakes, as well as others', and learn something from them.   

It amazes me that I could be so swept off my feet after just hearing a mere few words with one guy.  The thing is, I know it's more than just a mere crush.  There's something better than butterflies in my stomach, for butterflies do not live in people's stomachs.  It's something stronger.  Something telling me to figure out who he is, to find him.  It's more than a want, but of a need.  It's the pulling in my mind that grows increasingly stronger day after day, and I can't help but think that I'll never see him again. 

I know it's crazy.  Everyone thinks, "How can you be in love when you don't even know the person?"  That's where I find them to be wrong.  I feel that the strongest love is when you feel it before you get to know them.  A few words and facial expressions can tell a lot about one's self.  I guess I was attracted to him.  Well, obviously.  It pains me to think that I won't find him, won't get to talk to him, won't get to express my feelings towards him. 

It's crazy, stupid even.  Well put me in the fucking looneybin, because I'm not going to give up searching for the one thing that makes me feel happy, protected.  For once, I want to know that someone out there loves me.  Truly, passionately loves me.  That type of love is hard to find these days, I know.  I just wish that if I could find this guy again, I might still have that intense pulling towards him.  He is etched forever in my mind, and I can't just let him go.  Once I give up on him, it brings a chance for me to give up on other things, which I know I cannot do. 

This guy, whether he knows it or not, is my lifesaver.  He gives me hope for a better tomorrow, a better life, and for that I am eternally grateful.